[Fenris feels a wave of relief wash over him when the fear abates and gratification moves in. His legs instinctively wrap around Rafe's waist like a lifeline, mouth opening to invite the demanding kiss — and it's the feel of that demand that makes his heart skip a few beats while his body responds like an eruption from the aggressive friction. It's good. It feels good. The way Rafe's hand curls around the back of his neck like he needs this kiss, and the way their hips desperately press together—
—his heart doesn't stop pounding. It almost hurts. It feels so familiar and he wants to yell at himself, at his mind, to not do this now. But he can't stop the flashes from coming; memories from the past, once buried, choosing now to resurface as a reminder that Fenris is a broken, unworthy, mess of a man. His arms which had wrapped around Rafe to hold onto go rigid, as well as his legs, his body stiffening as he tries to will these thoughts away. Instinctively, he focuses on continuing, not wanting to ruin a moment he's not sure he'll get back. He counteracts the images flooding in his mind with Rafe, with what they're doing, with any and everything leading up to this point, even.
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winterfish
cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd
Date: 2020-12-06 07:30 am (UTC)—his heart doesn't stop pounding. It almost hurts. It feels so familiar and he wants to yell at himself, at his mind, to not do this now. But he can't stop the flashes from coming; memories from the past, once buried, choosing now to resurface as a reminder that Fenris is a broken, unworthy, mess of a man. His arms which had wrapped around Rafe to hold onto go rigid, as well as his legs, his body stiffening as he tries to will these thoughts away. Instinctively, he focuses on continuing, not wanting to ruin a moment he's not sure he'll get back. He counteracts the images flooding in his mind with Rafe, with what they're doing, with any and everything leading up to this point, even.
As is habit, he deals with it.]