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[magicalglowstick]

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[chardismastic]

[ And there it is.

Rafe had been staring into the fridge— why? he hasn't been hungry in a month, hasn't been thirsty, hasn't needed anything since coming out of the sewers half-dead and then... well —before Fenris made his offer; now his fingers flex and clench on the door before slamming it shut again. It's more forceful than he'd meant, unused to his new strength but that's not an excuse, and he orders himself still. Still instead of spinning on his heel with a snarl no matter how much he wants to.

Control. Everything else may have been taken from him: Avery, his world, his life, but goddamn him if they'll ruin that too. ]

What I need? [ And so his voice is stone cold, each syllable clipped and concise. ] Is for you to knock this shit off.

[magicalglowstick]

[Not a single twitch as the fridge door slams. In fact, considering he seemed to have done something wrong, he expects it. It's not always a slammed door or a smashed cup. In fact he's usually on the other end of a quiet anger hidden behind a patient smile and a soft voice, but that doesn't mean he's not accustomed to the more straight forward fits of anger.

He feels a pang of frustration that hits him in the gut, at first, if only because he can't seem to figure out what he can do to stop irking Rafe. He's far more attentive than this. There were many times where nothing would have to be said for as long as an hour because Fenris was so in tune with his master and his betters — he would just know what they needed or when they needed it. Perhaps he's a bit rusty. Ten years of freedom will do that to you.]

I'd be happy to stop if you would tell me what I'm doing wrong.

[It's not back talk, just a simple statement.]

[chardismastic]

[ That subservience galls him, scrapes at him like sandpaper and now he turns with a scowl as he snaps out the words. ]

It's all— This!

[ His arm flings out violently, encompassing Fenris's attitude and posture, the way his eyes are already on the floor. The failures of the last few weeks are bad enough on their own but the elf doesn't even have the goddamn decency to own it, no. Fenris is still stuck on his slavery, on being as unassuming and unobtrusive as possible at Rafe's elbow like a loyal dog. ]

The bowing, the scraping, the way you practically crawl up my ass trying to take care of everything for me! I realize it may blow your mind here, pal, but I actually am capable of handling myself. Managed to get along just fine without you sweeping in to play the butler in shining armor every other goddamn day.

[ Anger buoys him along through the rant but the last sentence turns to ashes in his mouth. Managed before Ryslig, sure, but since? Tonight? The arachne had been Rafe's, to be sure, but the demon that'd tossed him into a wall in the first wave of attacks? The minotaur that had been ready to gore him in the tunnels? He'd be dead right now if Fenris hadn't been there and the truth of it makes him feel small. Weak. Useless. Pathetic.

His fists clench at his sides as he turns away, jaw working before he trusts himself to speak again. ]

Didn't agree to this thing because I needed a fucking bodyguard.

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris listens. Even when Rafe turns away from him he waits patiently for him to finish. By the end of it he thinks he understands now, even if he still doesn't quite get the thinking behind Rafe's irritation. He already knew how Rafe felt about his subservience, how he views himself as a slave and nothing more, but this ran even deeper. Rafe wasn't like the magisters, or anyone he's ever worked with. He took his excessive help as an affront to his capabilities.]

I never thought you weren't capable. I could tell from the moment we met that you were. I was just trying to relieve you of as much burden as I could.

[He thinks how Hawke was one of the most capable people he's known, and that there was a time where he would still follow him with his sword at the ready to the ends of Thedas, and that's why he followed him. He wants to say as much.

But he doesn't.]

My main duty to my master was as his bodyguard. I never meant to imply you needed one. It is simply what I have to offer you.

[chardismastic]

Don't patronize me,

[ he grumbles as he violently rakes a hand through his hair, grasps for some kind of grounding from the red lines clawed along his scalp. Another deep breath. Even in the face of this roiling, seething anger he forces himself to stop. To remember that this isn't exactly Fenris's fault.

It's his own. ]

I know I haven't done shit to show you otherwise. Can't really expect you to act on anything but what you're seeing if I'm out here screwing up left, right, and center.

[ And now he affects an ease he isn't anywhere near to feeling, leans against the counter until the granite is biting into the small of his back. ]

Fenris, if I wanted dumb muscle? I'd honestly pick up some grade-A beef off the street before pulling you off the bench. [ Again: twink. Granted a twink who can handle himself in a fight and had strength even before the monster changes hit, but still. Twink. ] Your mind was what sold me so you can knock off that "simply" crap.

[magicalglowstick]

["I'm not patronizing you", he wants to spit back, but despite Rafe expressing his absolute abhorrence for Fenris's subservient demeanor he habitually suppresses the urge to talk back. His lips twitch until forced into a flat line to hide that frustration, shoulders stiffening.

His mind? He couldn't even begin to understand; his mind belongs elsewhere, to someone else, and Rafe has made his stance on that clear, so why would his mind be considered some selling point? All Fenris is getting from this is that Rafe wants him to back off a little, which should be something fairly easy to rectify, but how does he fight something so instinctual?

He shifts his focus elsewhere instead. To something that's bugging him about the way Rafe talks about himself.]

I don't understand why you speak of yourself the way you do.

[chardismastic]

[ Jesus ch- It was a freaking metaphor, you dumbass. Not an actual selling— Forget it. ]

And how exactly should I be speaking? You want me to pat myself on the back for getting snatched off the street like a jaywalker at the end of the month?

[ It's been a loop playing over and over again in his mind, all the things he could've done differently. Everything he should've done instead.

Why had he chosen that route to walk? Why had he chosen to walk instead of taking the high road, jumping from roof to roof? Why hadn't he noticed them coming up upon him? Why hadn't he ducked one way instead of another? A hundred separate factors and any of them might've made the difference.

Could make the difference next time if someone tries it again. The thought almost churns his stomach (save for where his stomach just...doesn't do anything, not at all lately) but he refuses to quail in the face of it. He's never shied from the truth before this, always kept his eyes straight ahead — willing and able to stare and then take down whatever was in his way. If that whatever is himself, weaker and stupider than he'll accept, then he'll demolish it same as he would anything else. ]

[magicalglowstick]

[All Fenris understood is that Rafe hates the way he thinks; his subservience, his need to put the other before himself, the way he lowers his head and walks behind him...it's all part of his mind. It all affects everything he does and how he acts, as far as he's concerned, hence why he can't fathom being accepted for anything more than his muscle and the information he was able to fall into.]

You are in an entirely foreign world, Rafe, [and this time he spits his words out, not exactly frustrated at Rafe as much as he's frustrated at the way he's speaking. Mostly about himself. He couldn't begin to describe why it bothers him so, but it does.] How do you expect to handle this, exactly?

You are putting far too much pressure on yourself. You are not screwing up yet you speak as if everything happening to you is your fault.

[chardismastic]

[ That logic would make sense to almost anyone else, but Rafe has only ever known the crucible of his own standards — but even without that preexisting judgment to rain down upon himself, there's one inarguable point to shove back in Fenris's face.

Cool as a cucumber, he stares down the elf and says: ]

You've handled it just fine.

[magicalglowstick]

You want to know why that is?

[Because he has an answer he can deliver just as easily, his frustration ebbing away to something that sounds closer to bitterness — a mixture of both maybe, but like hell Fenris will acknowledge that.]

Because demons, monsters, being hunted — that has all been my life for as long as I can remember. Powerful beings who see themselves as gods and the fools who are all to willing to give them what they want? Those who would cut off an ear or a finger for sport? My body doing things that I can't control? It is familiar to me. Aside from coming to terms with the fact that there are those from worlds beyond my own...I am not being dropped into something new.

[And sometimes...he can't help but feel as if he envies Rafe's shock at the things that have been happening around them.]

[chardismastic]

[ The bitterness catches him by surprise when he still has to nudge Fenris into speaking his mind, into admitting he has a mind to speak at all, and a part of him is intrigued with how brutal and blunt he is with his words and honestly? Rafe prefers it that way. He doesn't want to hear about better luck next time, about taking things easier— That's coddling crap which doesn't do anything but lower expectation, normalize a failure, and prepare for more of the same next time around.

He goes silent, jaw working as he grips the counter on either side of him as the truth of Fenris's words sinks in and settles in the pit of his stomach. There's nothing that Fenris has said of his world that makes Rafe envy him but the experience he's since walked away with because of it... It's a valuable commodity, priceless, and Rafe doesn't have the luxury of accruing it in bits and pieces here. When he speaks again it's less of self-recrimination, more cold hard facts. ]

Landing here with that kind of handicap is all the more reason to get my shit together. It seems like everybody else here— I mean it, everyone I've spoken to —comes from somewhere where this is... If it's not the norm, then it's sure as hell not the weirdest thing they've ever heard of. I'm not saying kind of experience is great but it's still an edge I don't have.

[ Shaking his head, he exhales sharply through his nose out of habit. ]

I need to get better. [ An accusing eyebrow raises at Fenris as he glances up from the hole he'd been staring into the linoleum. ] At the very least so that you can find a use for your time and energy that isn't just picking my ass up when I fall all over myself.

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris's entire body stiffens like it's forcefully holding his rebuttal back. He thinks he understands. He still doesn't agree with just how much Rafe beats himself up to the point where Fenris is frustrated but he understands. It's still an odd feeling that Rafe apparently values Fenris's time so much so that he thinks he's wasting it when he helps him — which he yet again does not agree is an issue — but perhaps he's still looking at this all wrong. So he just...exhales, and relaxes his shoulders. As relaxed as they normally are, anyway.]

And you will. [Get better, he means. He has no doubt about that.] I...

["I can help you" is what he wants to say, but now he's unsure exactly how much of Fenris's help will irk him and how much will be welcomed. All he can do is offer a solution and see if Rafe takes to it.]

We can spar until our knees buckle and our knuckles bleed. Whatever it takes.

[chardismastic]

[ Rafe aims a withering glare up at what sounds like the start of some whining platitude, but he gives Fenris enough credit to hear out the rest and what he hears...

Well. ]

Now you're talking.

[ And now his smile is as sharp as his words have been, as much a threat as his gaze had been a moment ago. Direct action is the surest balm to any ill he's ever had, a concrete and physical goal to pursue and pour all his frustrations into until there's an undeniable result.

He won't be satisfied until they get down to it but deciding on a course of action will do for now. ]

We're going to need to find some real hardware once we get past bare knuckles. [ The aluminum bat leans against the fridge and Rafe barely spares it a second's notice. ] Because that? Ain't gonna cut it.

[magicalglowstick]

[It's something Fenris definitely noticed — that Rafe liked that direct, blunt, approach — but it's one thing to appreciate that approach from your equals and another thing to hear it from a slave. That's why Fenris struggles in the way he responds to Rafe. It's a habit of his to make his responses more palatable.

And as far as he's concerned he never learned how to be otherwise. It's too difficult of a thought that sends him into a panic. He's not supposed to think of how he strayed from his duties, spoke his mind, and metaphorically spat in many a face during his stint in Kirkwall.

But he doesn't want to wear out his welcome with Rafe. He wants him to speak his mind. He must adjust.]

I agree. I have knives, but I would be much more comfortable with a sword.

[chardismastic]

Agreed. Wouldn't say no to pistols but I got a feeling blades would be slightly more effective than firearms.

[ It's phenomenal, the difference already palpable in Rafe's demeanor. The issue is identified, the course plotted, and now it's just details. Logistics. And he can do logistics in his sleep.

Already in possession: sparring partner. Still needed: weapons, then proper space.

Once those are in place, it's just a matter of will and work to get to the solution. ]

Is Javert paying you anything for that detective gig?

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris nods in agreement. He doesn't know much of anything about these ranged weapons other than they're loud, but a blade seems the most useful.

He only pauses at Rafe's question because the answer, still, doesn't seem right.]

Yes, he does. Quite well.

[Then again it doesn't take much to pay Fenris "quite well". He can live off of it. That's more than he can normally say.]

[chardismastic]

Glad to hear it.

[ Javert had seemed up and up enough for that much and he's glad to hear he's right. If it'd been any other kind of answer, Rafe would've had to go to La Forteresse for a short conversation because in spite of what some present may think? There are no slaves involved here.

His own pay from the Nest is decent, doesn't mean he doesn't want to outfit this operation solely out of his own pocket. ]

If we pool together, we ought to manage some decent gear. So that just leaves the finding.

[ Which...much as he'd prefer to strike while the iron's hot, it's pushing close to dawn and he doubts that the shops would be open this early.

And oh, yeah. They were up all night killing poachers in the sewers. There's some things that seem to have fallen by the wayside if not outright disappeared since his "death"— eating, drinking, breathing —but sleep isn't one of them. ]