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[magicalglowstick]

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cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[He wraps the cloth tight, stopping to tear some more when he realizes he'll probably need...all of it. It takes him a moment to fully grasp what Rafe is getting at when he says "buyer's remorse", and when he does his head snaps up in alarm.]

What? Of course not I —

[He sighs harshly, returning his attention to bandaging Rafe's wound. At first it seems as if he's not going to say anything, then when it gets to be a little too long:]

Sometimes I remember things...in flashes. Bits and pieces that were lost to me. Usually it's nothing, but sometimes it...can be overwhelming.

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

[ The moment of his own honesty passed and done with now, Rafe is able to glance up at Fenris with his trademark sardonic stare. ]

Noticed that, thanks.

[ Is dry sarcasm the best remedy right now? Maybe. Maybe not. But if getting mauled doesn't give him the right to it then he doesn't want to deal with whatever does. ]

Care to go into a little more detail than that? Pretty sure I've earned it.

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris's gaze rises a moment to glare, if only because he's trying, damn it, but it only lasts for a second before he gets back to work. It's not easy to talk about. It's not easy to recite and risk reliving all over again, and while there wasn't a whole lot to those flashes that he hadn't already been aware of it was still like a rock to the head to think about.]

You didn't do anything wrong. [Whether Rafe knows it or not, Fenris doesn't want to come off as if he's accusing him of anything.] I just...remembered things from when I was younger. While you and I were...

[Another irritated sigh as he uses the last bit of shirt to fully wrap Rafe's wound, looking it over to make sure it won't come loose.]

...When I attacked you I — all I could see was Danarius's face hovering over me. It was almost as if I was a scared teenager again.

[When he's sure the bandage work won't come off Fenris sits back on the bedding, turning a bit and lowering his head, unable to look at Rafe after admitting such a thing.]

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

[ Rafe is not an unintelligent man and the pieces of the puzzle are not particularly mystifying once Fenris lays them all out. This he knows: that Fenris has been a slave for as long as he can remember; that Danarius is a piece of shit; exactly what prompted this flashback and when; and above all else that people are still cruel bastards no matter what world you hail from.

He almost wishes he could be shocked. Would be easier to swallow than the sinking realization and the annoyance at himself for missing the obvious, something he ought to have assumed— ]

Jesus.

[ Apologies would only sound brittle and trite now even if Rafe were the kind who knew how to give them. Wouldn't change anything then or now, would only serve to fill the air with more bullshit. So instead he stays in his seat, lips pressed into a thin line as he doesn't turn away but respects Fenris's momentary escapee from scrutiny.

As always he turns from any such attempt to the clinically familiar, the strategy, the breakdown of the problem now that it's known into something actionable. Assess, prioritize, plan. ]

Does this happen every time you start getting hot and heavy? [ Possible, but Rafe is also aware that his own approach comes on as...a little strong. ]

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris appreciates the space, especially given how moments ago he literally attacked the man for it. And as much as he hadn't wanted to air what he just said he feels a strange weightlessness to himself now, bogged down by weights still but one less he has to lug about.

His breathing has returned to normal and his posture is no longer rigid. Right now he's just...tired, more than anything, like a war was just waged in his head.]

...No. In fact, this was the first time.

[Maybe not the first time it happened, but the first time it happened in such a way, with such intensity — the first time forgotten memories melded with old ones.]

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

Seriously?

[ That can't be right— Rafe refuses to believe that because. Because then most of the blame, the association, the reason would be something inherently himself. No. He refuses to accept that. ]

You've never had a flash crop up at all?

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Rafe's surprise draws a mildly confused look from Fenris.]

Not...[He sighs.] This was different.

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

[ Okay, that's...better. Not in the fact of it, but in that he's answering what Rafe asked rather than jumping to what Fenris thinks he's asking. So Rafe nods, and uses his uninjured arm to shift backward and perhaps snake away that backrest Fenris had propped up for himself earlier.

The pain is separate and sorted in his mind now but that doesn't mean it's pleasant to exist with. ]

Different how? With what cropped up, or with how you went and reacted?

[ Can't imagine Fenris gets much play if he mauls all potential fuck-buddies. ]

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

How I reacted. Normally I can...just ignore it.

[It's why he's careful who he gets intimate with. Someone he's been around at length, someone he trusts to some degree — even if it was just for a night or two, nothing serious, he would still be cautious.]

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

[ Rafe busies himself getting as comfortable as he can manage, stuck between a new hole in his shoulder and the conversation they're having and that they're having the conversation in a mishmash pile of blankets and pillows and whatever else— And then Fenris says that.

Frozen in mid-motion, he turns to stare at the gargoyle next to him in sheer what the fuck, dude. ]

You what.

[ He knows he keeps saying it but: ]

Seriously? Not really seeing how that's anything close to a solution, my guy.

cw: body dysmorphia, skin horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris continues to avoid eye contact, though he does shift a little closer — just close enough to give Rafe space to get comfortable (or as comfortable as he can get, Fenris knows he hates this set up) while being...near. In case of anything, he doesn't know.]

And just how am I to find a solution to combat such a thing? Sometimes it is as simple as a scent to set me off. There is no solution to something like that.

[And not just when he's doing...that. Any time, anywhere, for any random memory that makes his entire body want to shut down. His mind is fractured and he just has to deal with it.]

The best I can do is push it back when it happens.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

Hate to break it to you but you're wrong. There's ways to physically ground yourself when you start slipping like that. Focusing on things you can actually touch or see, making you focus on what's here rather than what your head's trying to yank up under your nose.

[ He hasn't sat through bullshit corporate sensitivity trainings for nothing. ]

And that's on top of... Shit, just approaching things in a new way so you're not seeing the same scenery that sets you off. [ For an example— ] Get over here.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris, on the other hand, has no reference for this kind of thing. Doesn't even know anyone else who suffers from the same problem — and if he does, he doesn't actually know. As far as he was aware, one day controlling this involved just...ignoring it successfully.

But he trusts Rafe, so when he tells him to get over there he scoots closer, brows furrowed in curiosity and maybe the slightest bit of leftover apprehension.]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

No, dumbass—

[ Catching himself with his hand two inches from grabbing Fenris's hip, Rafe has to. Take a beat and remind himself. Alternate tactics. Which is why instead of just yanking Fenris's blue bulk where he wants it to go, he gestures at his lap and tilts his head in an obvious let's go. ]

On top.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

Wh—

[Where is this going, exactly? Fenris pauses, stares a moment, gaze lowering to Rafe's lap. Okay...again, it's easy for him to do what his partner instructs (even if he questions it...in his head, nowhere else) so he shifts onto his knees — he hesitates a moment, naturally, not because of Rafe or anything he's doing or saying...just a moment where the episode lingers and he thinks how he very much would not like a repeat.

It takes a moment longer than it normally would, but he cautiously climbs onto Rafe's lap.]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

There you go.

[ And Rafe settles easily enough under the warm weight of him (and, though he'll never admit it, on the amalgamated cushions and sundry beneath them both). His hands land light and casual on Fenris's knees, only resting without any demands. Then, since he's not sure Fenris will follow right away, he makes sure to point it out. ]

This way, you're the one in control. I can still grab, sure, but you've got the leverage and you're the one setting the pace.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[It's a lot for Fenris to take in at the moment — and not because he's being bombarded with more flashes and anxieties. He can't remember the last time (was there one?) someone took the time to make sure he felt comfortable. He can't remember the last time someone took something slow so that he could keep himself steady. He doesn't understand it.

He feels okay again, on Rafe's lap, no longer having those encroaching thoughts shouting at him about how he's in danger. "You're the one in control". Such a simple statement and yet Fenris can't exactly grasp it. Just when he thinks he has an understanding of control it slips through his fingers like a fistful of sand.

He finally allows himself to meet Rafe's gaze.]

And if it happens again?

[What if it's too much, and Rafe gets sick of dealing with it?]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

[ He shrugs. ]

Then you pull back and we hit the pause button. Reassess, figure out what the trigger is that time, work around it. [ Duh. But then his eyes harden, glowing brighter through a sour expression curling his lip as he jabs a finger in the center of Fenris's chest. ] What you don't do is the shit you tried before.

[ The mental retreat, limp and unthinking and wishing to be anywhere but here. It was...several things, none of them good. ]

Like I'm gonna go and get my rocks off with you checked out like that. Christ.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris lowers his gaze to the finger jabbing his chest.]

I know you wouldn't. I reacted the only way I knew how.

[How he learned to react, he means.]

All of this hardly seems worth the trouble for you, Rafe.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

Oh my g- [ He's going to sprain an eye rolling them this hard, hand dropping on his stomach as his head lolls back. ] Fen. This is way more trouble for you than me. You're the one with all that crap in your head.

[ Very reasonable and valid crap, but crap nonetheless. ]

I'm plenty capable of patience when it comes to getting my dick wet.

[ Especially when he'd been very much settling on the idea of said dick never getting company outside a hand again, and even that hand was not looking at all appealing— But this, Rafe keeps to himself. ]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[That's not exactly what Fenris meant to get across, but Rafe pretty much answers his not-question anyway. A laugh bursts out of him despite trying to initially hold it in — not particularly boisterous, but certainly the most he's laughed since. A while.]

Then you're a rare few.

[Which he appreciates, but he won't say it because he doesn't want Rafe to feel weird. Or, any more weird than he's already made him feel.]

I...won't do it again.

[Try and ignore it, he means.]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

Well aware of that already, thanks.

[ And there's that calm, assured smirk in spite of himself, in spite of every inch of dead skin hanging loose from his leathering body. A moment where he feels and acts like himself rather than—

The one saving grace is that he doesn't take too long to realize the difference and trip up on that step between was and is. That laughter definitely helps distract. ]

But back to what you will do again... [ He arches an eyebrow, fingertips drumming light against blue scales. ] I seem to recall a lot of tongue.

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[Fenris is having an easier time focusing on what he should be — Rafe's confident smirk, the lightness of tone returning to the conversation — it's something to ground him, remind him where he is and who he's with.

His lips pull back into a sly smile, fangs peeking out. He consciously avoids resting a hand on Rafe's injured shoulder for obvious reasons, instead carefully (he's now far too aware of his claws...) resting it on the side of his neck instead. Shifting a bit, he leans forward, tongue eagerly sliding out passed his lips as he goes in for a kiss again.]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[chardismastic]

[ It's an easy loop to fall into: Rafe's learned confidence keeps Fenris's focus keeps Fenris doing keeps Rafe reacting and in his head rather than drifting off keeps so on and so on. It works.

Normally, a position like this he'd already have another double handful of Fenris's ass again, reminding him of that earlier grind they'd had along with the kiss but— So little about this, about them, about any of this is normal, no not thinking like that. Just another small obstacle. A challenge, really, and he's yet to have met one he won't rise to.

So as he accepts that kiss, his own tongue meeting Fenris's and doing its best to match quality if not quantity. And instead of grabbing, Rafe restrains himself and satisfies himself (for now) with just reaching around and gripping lightly at the back of Fenris's thighs. ]

cw: body dysmorphia/horror, implications of past sexual/physical abuse, past slavery, ptsd

[magicalglowstick]

[The huff that bursts from Fenris's nostrils is a decent enough indicator that the hands on the back of his thighs are more than welcome — if not that then surely the way his body presses into every bit of contact, pulsing glow picking up where it left off, reflecting off of both their bodies, is enough.

His tongue is less erratic this time around, but still just as aggressive in its exploration of Rafe's mouth, possessively twirling around and wrapping, greedily sliding around every unexplored inch.

Grounded. He feels grounded. Comfortable. He can already shake the unease that had knocked him so hard his eyes almost rolled to the back of his head. Maybe he's ready, or maybe he's impatient, but either way his clawed hands reach back to guide Rafe's hands back to his ass, pushing his hips forward if that wasn't clear enough.]