[ Fenris has been called many, many, things. He allows it to roll of his back whether it actually bothers him or not — it's a trained reflex. Yet, when Anders continues to call him a mutt he can't help but be peeved. Whatever he is, at least he's no abomination.
Well, suppose that isn't true anymore. Maybe that's why this is all so infuriating. He isn't volunteering to be a slave. He is one...for as long as he can remember. He has escaped, tried to get his freedom, only to be sold out by the one person he grew to care about most. And now he is becoming the one thing he knew, at the very least, he would never be...
And this fool dares speak to him this way, makes him relieve that moment over and over again... ]
I don't know what transpired between you and Hawke, [ he starts, measured, a low if annoyed tone, but he doesn't yell, foolishly thinking that maybe he can get through to this idiot once and for all. ] but I assure you he cares very little for what happens to me. I watched him hand me over without a moment of hesitation, even as I begged like a pathetic wretch.
You be done with this. Whatever obligation you have to Hawke, you will not fulfill it through me.
( what follows is a long silence from the opposite end of the device, if that is indeed how these things work.
fenris' convictions can't be ignored. while he's been many things in time anders has known him — stubborn, ruthless, unyielding, close-minded, uncultured, unfair — he hasn't been dishonest. not in any traditional sense. he said he hates mages and he meant it [and he makes sure each and every day that anders is aware of that fact]. he said he wouldn't leave hawke's side and he hadn't, apart from those years wherein they all drifted apart.
which is to say it's unfitting of his character to be so loud and so wrong. )
When?
When did Hawke hand you away, as you claim?
( were such an impossibility to occur, it would have to happen after anders' death. the last he saw of them, they were terribly happy together. so, so happy...
he shakes his head, not allowing himself to fall for fenris' nonsense. )
[ Fenris almost drops the device — he isn't entirely sure how to end a...conversation? when the silence stretches on, hoping at the very least Anders has given up on trying to convince him of this rewritten reality in which he's a martyr yet again—
—calm down, self.
But Anders speaks again, surprisingly calm, which is welcomed over all the yelling, even if he would rather this conversation be done with entirely. It almost sounds like he's ready to accept being wrong, but he falls right back into denial. Frustrating. ]
I thought the same thing, once upon a time. [ Even he, with his history of betrayal and seeing the absolute worst in people, couldn't believe it when it happened. Didn't want to believe it. That's why instead of fighting it...he accepted it. It was less painful that way. ] After seven or eight years together, when I went to meet my sister and walked right into that trap.
[ Which Anders brought up! Why is this so hard! ]
He always favored you, you know. Surely even you must have seen it.
( no, no, no. none of that makes sense — especially the last part. it was fenris who stood by hawke's side until the very end, not anders. fenris who no doubt helped hawke clean the mess that anders created.
there's another long silence. processing, misunderstanding, comparing. )
[ Now the silence that stretches on is from Fenris' end. This is...did he actually say something to get through to that far gone head of his? He should end this conversation, tell Anders to fuck off to the void, but...something is definitely not right. A different kind of "not right". ]
Fine.
[ If this is a trap then at least he will have an excuse to put an end to the abomination.
He doesn't give much warning before he's slipping the device into his pocket and heading out the door — he brings his sword, of course, strapped to his back...it feels weirdly comforting. Since his arrival he's been forced to do without, as most people barely give him entry as is.
He'll be there not long after, knocking on Anders' door. Numbers he gets, at least. To an extent. ]
( anders hears every step fenris makes because he, too, is terrible with these new forms of magic, and he isn't sure when the spell wears off enough that he and fenris might be disconnected on the small device that holds them together.
it doesn't matter, because all he hears from listening is shuffles and steps. nothing that tells him where fenris might be or where he might be going, clean up until he hears the knock at his door. when he opens it, he invites fenris in without fanfare, because this is important, and he needs fenris to see him for this. )
Something isn't right.
( he hadn't meant to echo fenris' sentiments so perfectly, but he can't help but feel the same disquiet, the sense that things are wrong in a larger way than he ever thought possible.
like all hotel rooms, the place has a sitting area. it's small, but it'll make do. they've both dealt with smaller, so neither of them can complain when anders moves aside his staff and his jacket to make room for them both. )
...
I saw Danarius die that day, the day your sister lured us in. You insist that he's alive, that Hawke gave you away to him. And I don't believe either of us is lying.
( he's only had the time between fenris leaving his room to fenris arriving here to put things together, which means he has close to nothing at all as far as explanations for such a thing. )
[ Fenris had some time as well, though his is spent thinking of all the different ways in which he can stand against Anders should he be attacked. You have to be careful with mages.
He enters the room without much of a need for hesitation, keeping an eye on Anders as he does so, watching his every move as he listens. At least he admits that there's something amiss as opposed to blaming it all on Fenris being delusional. His only real hesitation is before he takes a seat, but after a moment of thought — how quickly can he stand up, move across the room, defend himself from a seated position — he shrugs out of the strap of his sheath and leans it against something right beside him.
I know your name. Your real name. The one given to you, before Fenris.
( not that he's ever had a reason to use that name, or even bother holding onto it for this long. at most, it was some trivia about fenris' life, something that added layers to someone that anders already didn't have any great love for. had hawke turned him in that day, anders is sure he wouldn't have cared. but hawke didn't, so he'll never know for sure. )
I wouldn't have learned that had I not been there at the time you killed Danarius. Your sister told us, among other things.
[ Fenris' gaze is sharp, filtering through his memories for that name...it came back to him after a little while, after Varania called him that accidentally. Danarius had corrected her quickly and she said not a single word to him ever since.
If I tell you, then that proves it, right? That something is truly going on here?
That means this has to be over. This animosity between. At least for now. No more squabbles. No more fighting. No more arguments, because that’s what they want. Whoever did this to our memories, they’ve done it to set us against each others. Others here, too, most likely.
We can’t be at each others’ throats if we want any hope at solving anything. So… I want a truce,
[ He asks a lot, and the look Fenris gives him says as much. So doubtful, almost unwilling, because how is he supposed to give such a promise? Even if what he says is true they are so fundamentally different that being in the same room for longer than seconds without erupting into arguments is nigh impossible.
Why did Hawke insist on dragging them everywhere together, again?
Fenris is about to straight up turn down this offer of a truce, but then he says it. His name. The name that even he sometimes forgets, one of the fuzzier tidbits of his memory. He had only recalled it now when Anders broached the subject, and again...at this exact moment, as he hears it. Leto.
Leto.
"Leto! Come inside and bring your sister!"
Fenris doesn't take Anders' hand, instead shooting up to his feet to pace. ]
How could you—
[ How could he know?
Instinctively, he wants to get angry, lash out and push back the memories that spring forth. Random, chaotic, and intrusive memories he wants nothing to do with. But instead he tries to focus on the fact that this does indeed prove something is off...something that perhaps isn't just Anders.
His hands drag down his face as he glances over towards the mage. ]
You couldn't know that.
[ Sorry give him a minute this is weird and heavy. ]
( fenris rockets to his feet so suddenly that the fight-or-flight impulse which runs deep within anders has him following suit, and grabbing his staff to boot. it's a split-second decision, the gut-feeling that believes fenris' gesture was one that meant to harm him, which means he must ready himself in turn.
the second passes, though, and then then another one passes, and fenris makes no attempt to strike him. so, calmly, anders lowers his weapon and returns to his seat. he'll not apologize about his defensiveness. fenris had brought along his massive fucking sword — it's only natural to assume that he has some intention of using it on him, even if it isn't straight away.
the subtle glow that rippled beneath his skin dies away quickly. there's no threat here, not now. )
Your sister told us.
( she'd also said she was a mage, that fenris fought to free her, that his markings were his choice. at the time, he'd called fenris a jealous hypocrite for the ways he disparaged mages while being bound to one for whom he clearly cared, but such an accusations may have been to hasty, looking back. it won't do him much good to repeat all those words now, anyway. they're supposed to be working towards a truce.
besides, he made his point. he knows fenris' name, which should be impossible given the story fenris seems to believe, and yet. )
I know it's difficult to believe, but there must be magic at play. Something that wrecks our understanding of our own experience. I've never known such a spell that could work at such a large scale... Something from the Tevinter Imperium, perhaps.
( anders is, admittedly, fascinated by the alleged spell's power. the imperium has been able to practice and research so freely, it's no wonder that their magic is leagues ahead of that of ferelden, where they're sequestered and forced to practice 'approved' spells beneath the watchful gaze of templars.
there's more he wants to say, but he can't bring himself to. he wants to tell fenris how wrong he is about hawke's love, how hawke murdered him, put him down like a lame dog at the slightest inconvenience, but that's too much for words.
it's better to stay focused. )
Though I can't say for certain, I believe the truth may lie within the commonalities of our memories. We both recall Hawke, so the spell must have limitations. Otherwise, it'd be far more simple to erase Hawke from our memories entirely rather than overwritten parts of him.
Do you remember Isabela? The blood mage, Merrill? Varric? ...Tell me something about each of them.
[ He hates to say Anders is likely correct, but that would be the only explanation. Whatever he thinks of the mage, he can say that his conviction felt so real as they argued, as if he truly believed the things he said. And maybe he should...maybe Fenris is the one who's wrong. ]
Maybe not so difficult to believe after all. [ He crosses his arms, staring off into the distance that isn't even visible from inside these walls, seeing things only he can see. While Anders feels fascinated by the prospect of this power, Fenris feels disquieted. ] If anyone's magic is capable, it's the Imperium's. Danarius has many secrets. He created me, after all.
[ Finally, Fenris returns to his seat, sighing heavily as the implications of everything start to bear down on him like an angry quanari. ]
Varric, the mouthy dwarf who tells stories, remained glued to Hawke's side at all times. Impossibly nosy. [ His elbows rest against his knees as he props his chin up, cycling through all his memories of everyone. It's...hard sometimes. It's as if his mind tries desperately to forget. ] Merrill...mousy blood mage from the Sabrae clan. They were all too happy to get rid of her, as I recall. Isabela, captain of a dry docked ship, Siren's Call. She made many visits to your clinic...so I was told. [ Gossip, naturally. ] She doesn't wear pants.
[ He misses her, and he hates that he does. He misses...all of it, in a sick way. Traveling with companions. ]
Carver...forever a chip on his shoulder for being in his brother's shadow. He eventually became a warden after being infected by the blight.
( his mind drifts a bit as fenris rattles off facts about their companions. he thinks of what he knows of tevinter, how far they've come, what knowledge they hold, and what they stand to gain from a stunt like this. he figures that justice will snap his to attention were anything that fenris was saying challenged his own recollection of things, but nothing raises his alarms. nothing sounds as idiosyncratic as hawke maybe banishing fenris to the care of a slaver, or the pierce of a blade as it sinks its way into anders' heart.
he touches his chest reflexively, where his heart beats steady. at one point, he'd wondered if he'd have two heartbeats now that justice dwells within him, but spirits have no need for such a thing. )
No. Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary.
( varric, the braggart. merrill, the fool. isabela, the tease with no need for pants above her smallclothes. carver, the shadow. it all aligns. )
Perhaps Hawke alone is where the issue lies... He's the most powerful man in Kirkwall. A spell to obscure our memory of him, to rewrite history and vilify him, wouldn't be without purpose.
But would the people of Tevinter care about the actions of one man a million leagues away? ...Do you remember anything of him before that day? The one we can't agree upon?
[ Fenris takes note of the way Anders places his hand over his heart. He seems so certain Hawke hates him, so much so that he made it his duty to continuously tell Fenris that everything he's doing is wrong and dangerous, just to win back the man's favor. What does he remember exactly? ]
It...could be that my memories are the ones that are faulty. [ He hesitates to admit that out loud, but it seems like the most logical conclusion right now. ] But...
[ It all feels so real. The pain, the anger, the numbness even. ]
I remember plenty, though it's difficult to know what is worth pointing out. He's a mage, he fled from Lothering during the blight, worked his way up to an estate in Hightown, he always showed support for the mages...carefully. As careful as Hawke is able to be.
[ It was strange. Hawke is the least subtle man in all of Thedas, yet there were some things about him that seemed so...deliberate, careful, planned. He could never quite put his finger on it. ]
( he leans his head in, nodding, waiting for fenris to finish the sentence for him, but since that doesn't come, he says it plainly. )
Together.
( it's a strange detail to leave out, unless fenris thought he was being courteous in sparing anders the spike of sadness and jealousy that follows that word. anders did it to himself this time, so there's no one else to blame. )
Romantically. In some sense. Though the two of you danced around it like schoolyard boys for the longest time...
[ That earns a very loud, perhaps defensive, snort from the elf. ]
We most certainly were not. [ Though maybe the dancing around like schoolyard boys wasn't entirely inaccurate. That all came to an end eventually, though.] Nothing ever happened between us...in fact, it all ground to a halt once he started to grow fond of you.
[ Very much to Fenris' chagrin, but he ultimately stepped to the side. ]
( anders can't help but think this is the most productive conversation the two of them have ever had. it's unlikely that this is due to a lack of hawke — very, seriously unlikely. it's simply a coincidence that it's taken being transported to another dimension in order to get two words out to one another. even then, they haven't touched on anything controversial. no discussion of mage rights, or the state of the imperium, or the way that fenris is not, in fact a, a slave.
such topics will send the spiraling back to square one, surely. )
No, that's not...
Hawke and I never— we were never anything, truthfully. Never did anything, either.
( though his dreams love weave a narrative where things go differently. )
[ This is definitely the most productive conversation they've ever had, and if the thought didn't threaten to further spiral his mind into madness, he would consider that this isn't real either. But he doesn't wish to go there yet.
His brows knit together in confusion. Yet another discrepancy that has to do with Hawke specifically. ]
So...it truly is our memories of Hawke. Because I very clearly remember the way he would look at you.
( don't fill his head with nonsense, elf. Hawke harbored no feelings towards him, no interest in his affections, no care for his love and devotion. all he wanted was the broken man from tevinter.
it's anders who remembers how Hawke softened when gazing at fenris, how gently He smiled, how every stress melted away in fenris' company. there was no need for anders. did He only want anders for his connection to the rebellion? did He hate anders all this time—
anders curls in on himself before he explodes: )
NO!
( and they were doing so well.
the arrival of justice is fleeting, because there is no injustice here. he leaves as quickly as he came. )
No— No, you... misremember. As I do.
( he won't allow himself to believe in a world such as the one fenris describes, get caught up in yet another fantasy to plague his nights. )
This is... weighty. Perhaps it's best if you leave.
Fenris shoots up again, just to put some distance between the two of them when that thing comes out. Fortunately, it goes away just as quick, but Fenris remains defensive.
This is weighty, and Fenris is more than okay ending the conversation here. He has to go...think about things. About everything. About how his life may not even be real, and the pain that weighed him down might have come from lies. ]
For once, I agree.
[ He reaches for his sword, carefully, before slinging it over his shoulder by the strap and wasting no time heading for the door. Once open, though, he hesitates.
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 04:13 am (UTC)Well, suppose that isn't true anymore. Maybe that's why this is all so infuriating. He isn't volunteering to be a slave. He is one...for as long as he can remember. He has escaped, tried to get his freedom, only to be sold out by the one person he grew to care about most. And now he is becoming the one thing he knew, at the very least, he would never be...
And this fool dares speak to him this way, makes him relieve that moment over and over again... ]
I don't know what transpired between you and Hawke, [ he starts, measured, a low if annoyed tone, but he doesn't yell, foolishly thinking that maybe he can get through to this idiot once and for all. ] but I assure you he cares very little for what happens to me. I watched him hand me over without a moment of hesitation, even as I begged like a pathetic wretch.
You be done with this. Whatever obligation you have to Hawke, you will not fulfill it through me.
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Date: 2023-01-22 04:24 am (UTC)fenris' convictions can't be ignored. while he's been many things in time anders has known him — stubborn, ruthless, unyielding, close-minded, uncultured, unfair — he hasn't been dishonest. not in any traditional sense. he said he hates mages and he meant it [and he makes sure each and every day that anders is aware of that fact]. he said he wouldn't leave hawke's side and he hadn't, apart from those years wherein they all drifted apart.
which is to say it's unfitting of his character to be so loud and so wrong. )
When?
When did Hawke hand you away, as you claim?
( were such an impossibility to occur, it would have to happen after anders' death. the last he saw of them, they were terribly happy together. so, so happy...
he shakes his head, not allowing himself to fall for fenris' nonsense. )
He would never do such a thing.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 04:44 am (UTC)—calm down, self.
But Anders speaks again, surprisingly calm, which is welcomed over all the yelling, even if he would rather this conversation be done with entirely. It almost sounds like he's ready to accept being wrong, but he falls right back into denial. Frustrating. ]
I thought the same thing, once upon a time. [ Even he, with his history of betrayal and seeing the absolute worst in people, couldn't believe it when it happened. Didn't want to believe it. That's why instead of fighting it...he accepted it. It was less painful that way. ] After seven or eight years together, when I went to meet my sister and walked right into that trap.
[ Which Anders brought up! Why is this so hard! ]
He always favored you, you know. Surely even you must have seen it.
[ You daft lunatic. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 05:00 am (UTC)there's another long silence. processing, misunderstanding, comparing. )
Are you in the hotel?
Come to me.
Room 418.
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Date: 2023-01-22 05:49 am (UTC)Fine.
[ If this is a trap then at least he will have an excuse to put an end to the abomination.
He doesn't give much warning before he's slipping the device into his pocket and heading out the door — he brings his sword, of course, strapped to his back...it feels weirdly comforting. Since his arrival he's been forced to do without, as most people barely give him entry as is.
He'll be there not long after, knocking on Anders' door. Numbers he gets, at least. To an extent. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 06:03 am (UTC)it doesn't matter, because all he hears from listening is shuffles and steps. nothing that tells him where fenris might be or where he might be going, clean up until he hears the knock at his door. when he opens it, he invites fenris in without fanfare, because this is important, and he needs fenris to see him for this. )
Something isn't right.
( he hadn't meant to echo fenris' sentiments so perfectly, but he can't help but feel the same disquiet, the sense that things are wrong in a larger way than he ever thought possible.
like all hotel rooms, the place has a sitting area. it's small, but it'll make do. they've both dealt with smaller, so neither of them can complain when anders moves aside his staff and his jacket to make room for them both. )
...
I saw Danarius die that day, the day your sister lured us in. You insist that he's alive, that Hawke gave you away to him. And I don't believe either of us is lying.
( he's only had the time between fenris leaving his room to fenris arriving here to put things together, which means he has close to nothing at all as far as explanations for such a thing. )
...I can prove it.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 06:15 am (UTC)He enters the room without much of a need for hesitation, keeping an eye on Anders as he does so, watching his every move as he listens. At least he admits that there's something amiss as opposed to blaming it all on Fenris being delusional. His only real hesitation is before he takes a seat, but after a moment of thought — how quickly can he stand up, move across the room, defend himself from a seated position — he shrugs out of the strap of his sheath and leans it against something right beside him.
His eyes narrow. ]
And how do you intend to do that?
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Date: 2023-01-22 06:21 am (UTC)( not that he's ever had a reason to use that name, or even bother holding onto it for this long. at most, it was some trivia about fenris' life, something that added layers to someone that anders already didn't have any great love for. had hawke turned him in that day, anders is sure he wouldn't have cared. but hawke didn't, so he'll never know for sure. )
I wouldn't have learned that had I not been there at the time you killed Danarius. Your sister told us, among other things.
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Date: 2023-01-22 06:36 am (UTC)No one else would know that...not even Hawke. ]
Well?
[ Out with it. ]
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Date: 2023-01-22 06:51 am (UTC)If I tell you, then that proves it, right? That something is truly going on here?
That means this has to be over. This animosity between. At least for now. No more squabbles. No more fighting. No more arguments, because that’s what they want. Whoever did this to our memories, they’ve done it to set us against each others. Others here, too, most likely.
We can’t be at each others’ throats if we want any hope at solving anything. So… I want a truce,
( he offers his hand to shake. )
Leto.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 07:11 am (UTC)Why did Hawke insist on dragging them everywhere together, again?
Fenris is about to straight up turn down this offer of a truce, but then he says it. His name. The name that even he sometimes forgets, one of the fuzzier tidbits of his memory. He had only recalled it now when Anders broached the subject, and again...at this exact moment, as he hears it. Leto.
Leto.
"Leto! Come inside and bring your sister!"
Fenris doesn't take Anders' hand, instead shooting up to his feet to pace. ]
How could you—
[ How could he know?
Instinctively, he wants to get angry, lash out and push back the memories that spring forth. Random, chaotic, and intrusive memories he wants nothing to do with. But instead he tries to focus on the fact that this does indeed prove something is off...something that perhaps isn't just Anders.
His hands drag down his face as he glances over towards the mage. ]
You couldn't know that.
[ Sorry give him a minute this is weird and heavy. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 06:06 pm (UTC)the second passes, though, and then then another one passes, and fenris makes no attempt to strike him. so, calmly, anders lowers his weapon and returns to his seat. he'll not apologize about his defensiveness. fenris had brought along his massive fucking sword — it's only natural to assume that he has some intention of using it on him, even if it isn't straight away.
the subtle glow that rippled beneath his skin dies away quickly. there's no threat here, not now. )
Your sister told us.
( she'd also said she was a mage, that fenris fought to free her, that his markings were his choice. at the time, he'd called fenris a jealous hypocrite for the ways he disparaged mages while being bound to one for whom he clearly cared, but such an accusations may have been to hasty, looking back. it won't do him much good to repeat all those words now, anyway. they're supposed to be working towards a truce.
besides, he made his point. he knows fenris' name, which should be impossible given the story fenris seems to believe, and yet. )
I know it's difficult to believe, but there must be magic at play. Something that wrecks our understanding of our own experience. I've never known such a spell that could work at such a large scale... Something from the Tevinter Imperium, perhaps.
( anders is, admittedly, fascinated by the alleged spell's power. the imperium has been able to practice and research so freely, it's no wonder that their magic is leagues ahead of that of ferelden, where they're sequestered and forced to practice 'approved' spells beneath the watchful gaze of templars.
there's more he wants to say, but he can't bring himself to. he wants to tell fenris how wrong he is about hawke's love, how hawke murdered him, put him down like a lame dog at the slightest inconvenience, but that's too much for words.
it's better to stay focused. )
Though I can't say for certain, I believe the truth may lie within the commonalities of our memories. We both recall Hawke, so the spell must have limitations. Otherwise, it'd be far more simple to erase Hawke from our memories entirely rather than overwritten parts of him.
Do you remember Isabela? The blood mage, Merrill? Varric? ...Tell me something about each of them.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 07:43 pm (UTC)Maybe not so difficult to believe after all. [ He crosses his arms, staring off into the distance that isn't even visible from inside these walls, seeing things only he can see. While Anders feels fascinated by the prospect of this power, Fenris feels disquieted. ] If anyone's magic is capable, it's the Imperium's. Danarius has many secrets. He created me, after all.
[ Finally, Fenris returns to his seat, sighing heavily as the implications of everything start to bear down on him like an angry quanari. ]
Varric, the mouthy dwarf who tells stories, remained glued to Hawke's side at all times. Impossibly nosy. [ His elbows rest against his knees as he props his chin up, cycling through all his memories of everyone. It's...hard sometimes. It's as if his mind tries desperately to forget. ] Merrill...mousy blood mage from the Sabrae clan. They were all too happy to get rid of her, as I recall. Isabela, captain of a dry docked ship, Siren's Call. She made many visits to your clinic...so I was told. [ Gossip, naturally. ] She doesn't wear pants.
[ He misses her, and he hates that he does. He misses...all of it, in a sick way. Traveling with companions. ]
Carver...forever a chip on his shoulder for being in his brother's shadow. He eventually became a warden after being infected by the blight.
[ He finally glances over at Anders. ]
Anything?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 09:21 pm (UTC)he touches his chest reflexively, where his heart beats steady. at one point, he'd wondered if he'd have two heartbeats now that justice dwells within him, but spirits have no need for such a thing. )
No. Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary.
( varric, the braggart. merrill, the fool. isabela, the tease with no need for pants above her smallclothes. carver, the shadow. it all aligns. )
Perhaps Hawke alone is where the issue lies... He's the most powerful man in Kirkwall. A spell to obscure our memory of him, to rewrite history and vilify him, wouldn't be without purpose.
But would the people of Tevinter care about the actions of one man a million leagues away? ...Do you remember anything of him before that day? The one we can't agree upon?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 10:16 pm (UTC)It...could be that my memories are the ones that are faulty. [ He hesitates to admit that out loud, but it seems like the most logical conclusion right now. ] But...
[ It all feels so real. The pain, the anger, the numbness even. ]
I remember plenty, though it's difficult to know what is worth pointing out. He's a mage, he fled from Lothering during the blight, worked his way up to an estate in Hightown, he always showed support for the mages...carefully. As careful as Hawke is able to be.
[ It was strange. Hawke is the least subtle man in all of Thedas, yet there were some things about him that seemed so...deliberate, careful, planned. He could never quite put his finger on it. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 10:31 pm (UTC)( he leans his head in, nodding, waiting for fenris to finish the sentence for him, but since that doesn't come, he says it plainly. )
Together.
( it's a strange detail to leave out, unless fenris thought he was being courteous in sparing anders the spike of sadness and jealousy that follows that word. anders did it to himself this time, so there's no one else to blame. )
Romantically. In some sense. Though the two of you danced around it like schoolyard boys for the longest time...
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 11:04 pm (UTC)We most certainly were not. [ Though maybe the dancing around like schoolyard boys wasn't entirely inaccurate. That all came to an end eventually, though.] Nothing ever happened between us...in fact, it all ground to a halt once he started to grow fond of you.
[ Very much to Fenris' chagrin, but he ultimately stepped to the side. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 11:18 pm (UTC)such topics will send the spiraling back to square one, surely. )
No, that's not...
Hawke and I never— we were never anything, truthfully. Never did anything, either.
( though his dreams love weave a narrative where things go differently. )
He was far less enamored with me than I with him.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 11:52 pm (UTC)His brows knit together in confusion. Yet another discrepancy that has to do with Hawke specifically. ]
So...it truly is our memories of Hawke. Because I very clearly remember the way he would look at you.
[ Sickening. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-23 01:12 am (UTC)it's anders who remembers how Hawke softened when gazing at fenris, how gently He smiled, how every stress melted away in fenris' company. there was no need for anders. did He only want anders for his connection to the rebellion? did He hate anders all this time—
anders curls in on himself before he explodes: )
NO!
( and they were doing so well.
the arrival of justice is fleeting, because there is no injustice here. he leaves as quickly as he came. )
No— No, you... misremember. As I do.
( he won't allow himself to believe in a world such as the one fenris describes, get caught up in yet another fantasy to plague his nights. )
This is... weighty. Perhaps it's best if you leave.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-23 01:39 am (UTC)Fenris shoots up again, just to put some distance between the two of them when that thing comes out. Fortunately, it goes away just as quick, but Fenris remains defensive.
This is weighty, and Fenris is more than okay ending the conversation here. He has to go...think about things. About everything. About how his life may not even be real, and the pain that weighed him down might have come from lies. ]
For once, I agree.
[ He reaches for his sword, carefully, before slinging it over his shoulder by the strap and wasting no time heading for the door. Once open, though, he hesitates.
But it only lasts a second before he leaves. ]