We won't solve anything by yelling like loons, but there's no point in lying to yourself over Danarius' death. I understand it must have been hard to do, but pretending it didn't happen won't bring him back, if that's what you want.
( he felt similarly about karl's death early on, so denial isn't foreign to him. fenris should feel lucky he has someone willing to talk sense into him at all; anders didn't have that at a time when he really could have used it. )
[ Fenris still doesn't understand where this lunacy is coming from! Did that demon finally wriggle its way so far into his soul that he's no longer himself? Normally they were smarter than this...their trickery wouldn't involve such blatant mistakes.
The only other possibly explanation is that Anders is an idiot. That, or he's toying with him. Mocking him.
Or both. ]
I'm not pretending. [ he grits with barely any restraint. It's frustrating, and even though he knows he shouldn't let the mage get to him, he does anyway! ] If you truly seek to mess with my head then I suggest you try another tactic.
( meanwhile, there's no restraint in way anders groans. )
What would anyone gain from playing head games at a time like this, you buffoon? If there were ever a time to drop your farce, this would be it. We are strangers in a strange realm far beyond that of the Fade, and we are rapidly succumbing to this world's will.
Why would I choose now to spout lies? Think, if it's possible for you.
( as if hawke would put him up to anything. as if hawke would ever trust him, or love him, or share a kind word, or a secret, or a laughter, or a smile with him again. fenris can mock his passion, his magic, his dedication to his causes, but it's low of him to mock his feelings for hawke. something in him turns stony. beyond the stirring heat from justice threatening to set his nerves ablaze, he feels... cold.
he should expect nothing less. )
You're a wretched DOG, FENRIS.
( when it gets to be too much, it's justice who takes over, justice who mediates the world for anders to navigate. )
[ There is nothing about this that he finds funny, sir. The steam that rises from him says as much, not that Anders can see it. ]
Is that a promise? [ Get it? Because he's sick of having this conversation! It's like being in the endless loop of the Fade only somehow worse. ] The only thing I tire more of than talking to the mage is talking to you, demon.
( besides, hasn't fenris come to realize they're one and the same? there is no space that justice does not take up, no solitude for anders alone, no designated place where anders ends and justice begins. )
CEASE THESE GAMES. YOU ARE NO ONE'S SLAVE FOR YOUR MASTER IS DEAD. BE RID OF HIM AND BE BETTER FOR IT.
DON'T BE FOOLISH. I CARE LITTLE FOR THE AFFAIRS OF A MUTT.
( it takes a deep, slow breath for anders to stop glowing, but eventually he does. )
But when Hawke returns, he'll want to see you in one piece. Should your death be a preventable one, he'll never forgive me... ( the scoff that follows is almost a reflex. ) As if he'd spare a thought of forgiveness towards me. We're too far gone for that.
( yet, despite feeling this way, he can't bring himself to murder the thing hawke cherishes most, though he's sure justice would rejoice at the thought of tearing though his lyrium-lined skin. )
[ Fenris has been called many, many, things. He allows it to roll of his back whether it actually bothers him or not — it's a trained reflex. Yet, when Anders continues to call him a mutt he can't help but be peeved. Whatever he is, at least he's no abomination.
Well, suppose that isn't true anymore. Maybe that's why this is all so infuriating. He isn't volunteering to be a slave. He is one...for as long as he can remember. He has escaped, tried to get his freedom, only to be sold out by the one person he grew to care about most. And now he is becoming the one thing he knew, at the very least, he would never be...
And this fool dares speak to him this way, makes him relieve that moment over and over again... ]
I don't know what transpired between you and Hawke, [ he starts, measured, a low if annoyed tone, but he doesn't yell, foolishly thinking that maybe he can get through to this idiot once and for all. ] but I assure you he cares very little for what happens to me. I watched him hand me over without a moment of hesitation, even as I begged like a pathetic wretch.
You be done with this. Whatever obligation you have to Hawke, you will not fulfill it through me.
( what follows is a long silence from the opposite end of the device, if that is indeed how these things work.
fenris' convictions can't be ignored. while he's been many things in time anders has known him — stubborn, ruthless, unyielding, close-minded, uncultured, unfair — he hasn't been dishonest. not in any traditional sense. he said he hates mages and he meant it [and he makes sure each and every day that anders is aware of that fact]. he said he wouldn't leave hawke's side and he hadn't, apart from those years wherein they all drifted apart.
which is to say it's unfitting of his character to be so loud and so wrong. )
When?
When did Hawke hand you away, as you claim?
( were such an impossibility to occur, it would have to happen after anders' death. the last he saw of them, they were terribly happy together. so, so happy...
he shakes his head, not allowing himself to fall for fenris' nonsense. )
[ Fenris almost drops the device — he isn't entirely sure how to end a...conversation? when the silence stretches on, hoping at the very least Anders has given up on trying to convince him of this rewritten reality in which he's a martyr yet again—
—calm down, self.
But Anders speaks again, surprisingly calm, which is welcomed over all the yelling, even if he would rather this conversation be done with entirely. It almost sounds like he's ready to accept being wrong, but he falls right back into denial. Frustrating. ]
I thought the same thing, once upon a time. [ Even he, with his history of betrayal and seeing the absolute worst in people, couldn't believe it when it happened. Didn't want to believe it. That's why instead of fighting it...he accepted it. It was less painful that way. ] After seven or eight years together, when I went to meet my sister and walked right into that trap.
[ Which Anders brought up! Why is this so hard! ]
He always favored you, you know. Surely even you must have seen it.
( no, no, no. none of that makes sense — especially the last part. it was fenris who stood by hawke's side until the very end, not anders. fenris who no doubt helped hawke clean the mess that anders created.
there's another long silence. processing, misunderstanding, comparing. )
( the fact that they ended on a 'good' note, as good as it can be for them, makes anders 0.002% more sure that calling fenris in the state that he's in now isn't a complete and utter mistake. he's been through bars, and strip clubs, and he's covered in glitter, and it's two in the morning, but all of that is beside the point. )
[ Fenris isn't the heaviest sleeper. He's always on alert, even as he lay in bed with his eyes closed, ready to jump up for whatever reason. At the moment he's drifting in and out of sleep when he hears that infernal little device making noise.
It takes him a moment to realize who it is that's slurring his name. ]
( since when has anders ever sounded relieved to hear him? since diving past ten sheets to the wind, apparently. )
Look. C'mon. I need you to... Listen. All right? I know.
I knooooow.
I know I'm not you. Shouldn't have— Shouldn't've called myself that. It was a mistake. I could never be you. I could never... what he sees in you... I— what it is, it isn't in me.
So when he said your name, it was all wrong. I knew it the moment I heard it. I—
( and then he's crying out in agony, like he's been shot with a crossbow, or worse. )
[ It's a good thing he's so used to being alert, because his mind clears itself of the sleepy fog within seconds as he sits up in his bed, brows furrowing in confusion.
Being awake doesn't make any of this make any more sense, and then Anders is crying out like he's being mauled. Fenris sounds more frustrated than anything, but make no mistake he is utterly baffled. ]
[ It takes Fenris a moment before it hits him...how he felt when his body began to change, how painful it was — still is, even.
He should hang up. He should really hang up. But he doesn't. It's no longer about what Hawke might think should he ever show up, seeing as neither can agree on what the truth is or isn't regarding him to begin with. They got...somewhere before. And they have to figure out what's happening to them. Unfortunately, Fenris can't just leave Anders to the wolves if they wish to accomplish something.
I can't let it end like this. Not— Maker! Not again!
( it's only by some mercy of the gods that he's able to rattle of things in his field of vision between cries of pain — a Hot Dog Prince across the street, a Motel 666 on his left. he's made it about a block away from the seedy, sexy district but he's still downtown and he's still out of his mind with drunkenness and agony. )
If I die here, know that... that you deserve to be cherished by someone.
[ It's a good thing that Fenris is good at memorizing directions, especially given that he has a side job doing deliveries and has made it a point to learn this city the best he can, because otherwise he would constantly be lost between street names and long addresses. Not to mention he tries to learn the words and names that are a constant in his day to day.
He's already standing and grabbing his sword (listen, he never knows what's going to happen with this fool) as he heads out of his room, unsure of how to respond to Anders' drunken babble. He must really be drunk to say such a thing. That or he thinks he's talking to someone else. Idiot. ]
Don't move.
[ He doesn't put the device back in his pocket this time, just in case the mage manages to do something even stupider while Fenris tries to get there. He can't believe he's about to say this, but he has to know if Anders passes out or drops dead- ]
( though it sounds strained and distant, there's a broken chuckle from anders' end. )
You must really think I'm not long for this world to make a request like... like that. And you'd be right. At least, it feels as much.
( dying in the same way twice, blind-sighted from behind. is this purgatory? is that all this place was ever meant to be for them? )
There's a lot of blood, Fenris. My healing— my magic. It's gone. ( there's a silence where he simply wheezes, then he remembers to continue. ) I have to wonder if I ever had it in the first place. If I could ever do any of those things I thought I could, if they were another memory.
Less out of urgency to help and more out of an urgency to put all of this behind him as soon as possible, he's already rushing down the stairs — he has no idea how to work the lifts in this building. He always ends up on the wrong floor and now is hardly the time to mess with buttons.
He wants to tell Anders that his magic certainly existed. But...does he know that to be a sure thing anymore? Not until they figure out exactly what's happening with their memories. ]
I'm afraid to ask.
[ About...any of this. Later. For now, he'll keep talking. Keep getting him to talk, he'll...ignore that last bit at the moment. He keeps his voice even, calm, unaffected. Though try as he might there's a tension that underlines his words. ]
What's happening to you is the nature of this place. It happened to me too. You're not dying.
[ He would have warned him and all, but they haven't been able to hold a conversation longer than three minutes without wanting to kill each other. ]
( he doesn't want to talk. he doesn't want to move. he wants to go back to a time where things made sense. for a moment he sees it, fleeting, when Hawke first made Himself known to him, and there was a world for possibilities spread at their feet. )
...Does that disappoint you? Wouldn't you be more delighted if I were? Dying, that is.
( of all the people to rely upon, he had to be stuck in this world with no one who knows him but fenris. fenris... )
Your name, it suits you better.
...I hardly even remember mine. I know it's not Anders, but I can't recall the person I was before that. Perhaps they'll remind me in the Fade.
But yours is good. Both of yours. Fenris and Leto.
[ The unaffected facade, as it turns out, is not as powerful as he thought. He could have easily responded to such a heavy question at first, if he would have been delighted by Anders' death — no matter what answer he would have given. But then the damn mage keeps going, and Fenris feels something twist in his stomach.
He sputters something, jumbled words as if he were the drunk one. This is a lot to respond to, to listen to, all at once while he's practically running out of the hotel, breath getting heavy. ]
You — [ Maker's balls what does he say to any of this? ] I don't...wish you dead.
[ It's a good thing he's fast and the area he thinks Anders is in isn't very far. His mind goes a mile a minute but his ability to speak leaves him completely...at least for now, but he'll keep encouraging Anders to speak if he stops, focusing on getting there.
As soon as he gets to the street Anders had described he starts calling for him as he looks around. ]
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winterfish
UN: Andraste's Tit | Voice
Date: 2023-01-21 06:45 am (UTC)We won't solve anything by yelling like loons, but there's no point in lying to yourself over Danarius' death. I understand it must have been hard to do, but pretending it didn't happen won't bring him back, if that's what you want.
( he felt similarly about karl's death early on, so denial isn't foreign to him. fenris should feel lucky he has someone willing to talk sense into him at all; anders didn't have that at a time when he really could have used it. )
UN: Shartan | Also voice
Date: 2023-01-21 06:53 am (UTC)The only other possibly explanation is that Anders is an idiot. That, or he's toying with him. Mocking him.
Or both. ]
I'm not pretending. [ he grits with barely any restraint. It's frustrating, and even though he knows he shouldn't let the mage get to him, he does anyway! ] If you truly seek to mess with my head then I suggest you try another tactic.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-21 07:06 am (UTC)What would anyone gain from playing head games at a time like this, you buffoon? If there were ever a time to drop your farce, this would be it. We are strangers in a strange realm far beyond that of the Fade, and we are rapidly succumbing to this world's will.
Why would I choose now to spout lies? Think, if it's possible for you.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-21 07:19 am (UTC)Did Hawke put you up to this? I am no longer a threat to either of you or your mages. You both saw to that.
[ Did Anders have anything to do with Hawke selling him down the river? Who knows? To the void with him anyway. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-21 04:20 pm (UTC)( as if hawke would put him up to anything. as if hawke would ever trust him, or love him, or share a kind word, or a secret, or a laughter, or a smile with him again. fenris can mock his passion, his magic, his dedication to his causes, but it's low of him to mock his feelings for hawke. something in him turns stony. beyond the stirring heat from justice threatening to set his nerves ablaze, he feels... cold.
he should expect nothing less. )
You're a wretched DOG, FENRIS.
( when it gets to be too much, it's justice who takes over, justice who mediates the world for anders to navigate. )
YOU'VE CURSED MY SINCERITY FOR THE LAST TIME.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-21 04:32 pm (UTC)Is that a promise? [ Get it? Because he's sick of having this conversation! It's like being in the endless loop of the Fade only somehow worse. ] The only thing I tire more of than talking to the mage is talking to you, demon.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-21 04:40 pm (UTC)( besides, hasn't fenris come to realize they're one and the same? there is no space that justice does not take up, no solitude for anders alone, no designated place where anders ends and justice begins. )
CEASE THESE GAMES. YOU ARE NO ONE'S SLAVE FOR YOUR MASTER IS DEAD. BE RID OF HIM AND BE BETTER FOR IT.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-21 04:55 pm (UTC)My master is. Alive. Whatever you believe happened I would strongly suggest you rethink it.
What do you care anyway!
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 04:00 am (UTC)( it takes a deep, slow breath for anders to stop glowing, but eventually he does. )
But when Hawke returns, he'll want to see you in one piece. Should your death be a preventable one, he'll never forgive me... ( the scoff that follows is almost a reflex. ) As if he'd spare a thought of forgiveness towards me. We're too far gone for that.
( yet, despite feeling this way, he can't bring himself to murder the thing hawke cherishes most, though he's sure justice would rejoice at the thought of tearing though his lyrium-lined skin. )
So be done with this.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 04:13 am (UTC)Well, suppose that isn't true anymore. Maybe that's why this is all so infuriating. He isn't volunteering to be a slave. He is one...for as long as he can remember. He has escaped, tried to get his freedom, only to be sold out by the one person he grew to care about most. And now he is becoming the one thing he knew, at the very least, he would never be...
And this fool dares speak to him this way, makes him relieve that moment over and over again... ]
I don't know what transpired between you and Hawke, [ he starts, measured, a low if annoyed tone, but he doesn't yell, foolishly thinking that maybe he can get through to this idiot once and for all. ] but I assure you he cares very little for what happens to me. I watched him hand me over without a moment of hesitation, even as I begged like a pathetic wretch.
You be done with this. Whatever obligation you have to Hawke, you will not fulfill it through me.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 04:24 am (UTC)fenris' convictions can't be ignored. while he's been many things in time anders has known him — stubborn, ruthless, unyielding, close-minded, uncultured, unfair — he hasn't been dishonest. not in any traditional sense. he said he hates mages and he meant it [and he makes sure each and every day that anders is aware of that fact]. he said he wouldn't leave hawke's side and he hadn't, apart from those years wherein they all drifted apart.
which is to say it's unfitting of his character to be so loud and so wrong. )
When?
When did Hawke hand you away, as you claim?
( were such an impossibility to occur, it would have to happen after anders' death. the last he saw of them, they were terribly happy together. so, so happy...
he shakes his head, not allowing himself to fall for fenris' nonsense. )
He would never do such a thing.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 04:44 am (UTC)—calm down, self.
But Anders speaks again, surprisingly calm, which is welcomed over all the yelling, even if he would rather this conversation be done with entirely. It almost sounds like he's ready to accept being wrong, but he falls right back into denial. Frustrating. ]
I thought the same thing, once upon a time. [ Even he, with his history of betrayal and seeing the absolute worst in people, couldn't believe it when it happened. Didn't want to believe it. That's why instead of fighting it...he accepted it. It was less painful that way. ] After seven or eight years together, when I went to meet my sister and walked right into that trap.
[ Which Anders brought up! Why is this so hard! ]
He always favored you, you know. Surely even you must have seen it.
[ You daft lunatic. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-22 05:00 am (UTC)there's another long silence. processing, misunderstanding, comparing. )
Are you in the hotel?
Come to me.
Room 418.
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From:UN: Andraste's Tit | Audio
Date: 2023-01-23 01:49 am (UTC)Fenris.
Feeeeeeenriiiiiiis.
( oh, he's slurring. what a mess this is. )
un: shartan | audio
Date: 2023-01-23 02:05 am (UTC)It takes him a moment to realize who it is that's slurring his name. ]
...Wh...
[ Wait, what's happening? ]
What are you doing?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-23 02:24 am (UTC)( since when has anders ever sounded relieved to hear him? since diving past ten sheets to the wind, apparently. )
Look. C'mon. I need you to... Listen. All right? I know.
I knooooow.
I know I'm not you. Shouldn't have— Shouldn't've called myself that. It was a mistake. I could never be you. I could never... what he sees in you... I— what it is, it isn't in me.
So when he said your name, it was all wrong. I knew it the moment I heard it. I—
( and then he's crying out in agony, like he's been shot with a crossbow, or worse. )
no subject
Date: 2023-01-23 02:36 am (UTC)Being awake doesn't make any of this make any more sense, and then Anders is crying out like he's being mauled. Fenris sounds more frustrated than anything, but make no mistake he is utterly baffled. ]
What are you going on about, mage? You sound mad.
cw: body horror
Date: 2023-01-23 02:54 am (UTC)What— What’s happening?? Andrastre’s Ass, where are you? Are… YOU doing this??
( the next cry of pain is sharper, followed by the acute sound of bones snapping. )
MERCY!
no subject
Date: 2023-01-23 03:06 am (UTC)He should hang up. He should really hang up. But he doesn't. It's no longer about what Hawke might think should he ever show up, seeing as neither can agree on what the truth is or isn't regarding him to begin with. They got...somewhere before. And they have to figure out what's happening to them. Unfortunately, Fenris can't just leave Anders to the wolves if they wish to accomplish something.
He exhales heavily as he climbs out of his bed. ]
Just — tell me where you are, you drunken fool.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 12:16 am (UTC)( it's only by some mercy of the gods that he's able to rattle of things in his field of vision between cries of pain — a Hot Dog Prince across the street, a Motel 666 on his left. he's made it about a block away from the seedy, sexy district but he's still downtown and he's still out of his mind with drunkenness and agony. )
If I die here, know that... that you deserve to be cherished by someone.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 12:40 am (UTC)He's already standing and grabbing his sword (listen, he never knows what's going to happen with this fool) as he heads out of his room, unsure of how to respond to Anders' drunken babble. He must really be drunk to say such a thing. That or he thinks he's talking to someone else. Idiot. ]
Don't move.
[ He doesn't put the device back in his pocket this time, just in case the mage manages to do something even stupider while Fenris tries to get there. He can't believe he's about to say this, but he has to know if Anders passes out or drops dead- ]
-Keep talking if you can.
[ Or make noise. Whatever. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 01:02 am (UTC)You must really think I'm not long for this world to make a request like... like that. And you'd be right. At least, it feels as much.
( dying in the same way twice, blind-sighted from behind. is this purgatory? is that all this place was ever meant to be for them? )
There's a lot of blood, Fenris. My healing— my magic. It's gone. ( there's a silence where he simply wheezes, then he remembers to continue. ) I have to wonder if I ever had it in the first place. If I could ever do any of those things I thought I could, if they were another memory.
...
I shouldn't have used your name.
I should have been better to you.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 01:35 am (UTC)Less out of urgency to help and more out of an urgency to put all of this behind him as soon as possible, he's already rushing down the stairs — he has no idea how to work the lifts in this building. He always ends up on the wrong floor and now is hardly the time to mess with buttons.
He wants to tell Anders that his magic certainly existed. But...does he know that to be a sure thing anymore? Not until they figure out exactly what's happening with their memories. ]
I'm afraid to ask.
[ About...any of this. Later. For now, he'll keep talking. Keep getting him to talk, he'll...ignore that last bit at the moment. He keeps his voice even, calm, unaffected. Though try as he might there's a tension that underlines his words. ]
What's happening to you is the nature of this place. It happened to me too. You're not dying.
[ He would have warned him and all, but they haven't been able to hold a conversation longer than three minutes without wanting to kill each other. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 01:53 am (UTC)...Does that disappoint you? Wouldn't you be more delighted if I were? Dying, that is.
( of all the people to rely upon, he had to be stuck in this world with no one who knows him but fenris. fenris... )
Your name, it suits you better.
...I hardly even remember mine. I know it's not Anders, but I can't recall the person I was before that. Perhaps they'll remind me in the Fade.
But yours is good. Both of yours. Fenris and Leto.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 02:46 am (UTC)He sputters something, jumbled words as if he were the drunk one. This is a lot to respond to, to listen to, all at once while he's practically running out of the hotel, breath getting heavy. ]
You — [ Maker's balls what does he say to any of this? ] I don't...wish you dead.
[ It's a good thing he's fast and the area he thinks Anders is in isn't very far. His mind goes a mile a minute but his ability to speak leaves him completely...at least for now, but he'll keep encouraging Anders to speak if he stops, focusing on getting there.
As soon as he gets to the street Anders had described he starts calling for him as he looks around. ]
Anders? Anders!
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